Barton G.

Have you ever sat down in a restaurant all excited for a great dinner because you heard it is "the place to go" and it ends in calamity? Welcome to Barton G. in Miami. 

     First of all, parking was, oh wait, there was no parking. Valet was $12. So we walked back to the restaurant after parking a few blocks away. Its a very nice looking place and the patio outside was cool, but we chose to sit inside, due to the inclement weather. Barton G. is a trendy restaurant that serves modern American food and is known to be an over-the-top kind of place. For instance, their popcorn shrimp comes in a popcorn box, the chicken is served a in a big plastic chicken, and the lobster tarts are served in a toaster. 


     Our server was nice, he seemed to know the menu well and suggested we have a cocktail. You know our answer to that! Without missing a beat, Rene chose the "Sabrinatini" (Our signature martini. A refreshing martini with Belvedere Orange and Watermelon Pucker, adorned with a Nitro-Champagne Swizzle Stick and a Chocolate Chimp.) $20. It literally was served with a chocolate monkey hanging over the rim of the glass. I had the "Buddhalicious" (Wasabe Sake infused vodka, Pureed Lychees and a splash of Cranberry Juice. Served with a Nitrogenized Pop of Wasabe Sake infused vodka and Lychees.) $28. When he brought my martini out, it was served on a big plate with a Buddha sitting next to the glass. It took up half of the table. The "secret ingredient" they use for their martinis is liquid nitrogen chilled to -320 degrees Fahrenheit. All for show. They were okay, way over the top, and way over priced. I still can't believe I paid that much for a drink. We had to try it, but never again. 

     For our appetizer we tried the "Coconut Crusted Voodoo Shrimp" (Stuffed with Crabmeat and Japanese Seaweed Salad. Served over Smoking Brew with charred Pineapple Mango Chutney.) $25. Our server told us there would be three shrimp and asked if we wanted a fourth to make it even for us. We said that wouldn't be necessary. The shrimp were served on big skewers popping out of a glass that had dry ice in some water. Again, over-the-top. They were quite good and the third one we split, well, we were going to until Rene tried to pull the stick out of the shrimp. The stick stayed in his hand as the shrimp flew across our neighboring table and bounced to the floor. We both laughed and I hurried to kick it under the table before anyone saw. So much for the fourth shrimp.

     Rene's entree was "Courtney’s Seared Salmon" (Seared North Atlantic Filet of Salmon, Celery Root Puree, Artichoke, Pancetta, Roasted Cipollini Onions and Hazelnut Pesto.) $35. His fish wasn't very good. It was a decent sized filet served on an enormous plate. Very bland and uninteresting. I decided that the "Blue Ribbon Short Ribs" sounded good. (BBQ Beef Short Ribs, Potato Salad, Cole Slaw, Crispy Onion and Creamed Corn). $35. Holy massive feast! It was a colossal portion of beef that had very little to no flavor whatsoever. All I tasted was the barbeque sauce...like a barbeque sauce I would make! Absolute rubbish. The cole slaw wasn't as horrifying and the potato salad I think came from Costco. 

     When the server came to ask if we'd like dessert we said definitely not. The table across had ice cream served in about a forty-ounce martini glass. Probably $50. We just said we'd like the check. As he walked away, I saw him tilt his head awkwardly as he looked down, then he proceeded to bend over and popped back up with a Voodoo Shrimp! It was like a magic trick. Shit, he found it! I couldn't hold back and just laughed. 

     The check was presented in a clever card that read "The Damage" on the cover. The total check, including 20 percent tip, was about $180. After that incredibly expensive affair we decided to head back home to Fort Lauderdale where I immediately counted quarters to take to the bank the next morning. Barton G. is definitely not a place I can afford to go every day, especially when I can find a better meal for a quarter of the price. But, if you enjoy theater and show and over-the-top presentation, have at it! You wont see us there!